


black star

by 11dishwashers



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-16 05:02:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11246847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/11dishwashers/pseuds/11dishwashers
Summary: donghyuck doesn't expect the anonymous gay boy he's texting to be popular kid renjun. but maybe it's a nice surprise?





	black star

side a

most of the time, i really don't check my instant messenger, because it's rarely good news in my inbox and ignorance is bliss. but when i do, i don't usually get messages from blank profiles. ones that aren't spam accounts with weird, spaced out sentences. 

the message preview doesn't suggest spam or... other, bad things. i tap without overthinking. 

'hey i know thisll sound weird( i hope not haha) but um. i get how it is, u know?? its hard. and i just... idk. i dont know anyone else who i can talk to about it'

i reread it a few times, not really picking up the subject at all. well.

'about what?' i send back, because honestly  i'm more confused than necessary.

'being gay' the message comes, a few seconds after my own. 'sorry if im being weird'

'dont worry about it, im just confused. like are you making fun of me or?'

'no!! im not i swear,,, i just,, youre the only gay person ik(of) and i have no one else to go to'

i bite my lip, leaving the text to sit for a few seconds. an overplayed song comes on shuffle from my speakers, so i lean over to skip it even though i've already started humming the tune. maybe it'd be nice to have someone who isn't me, or people on messageboards, or yerim to vent to. 'promise?'

'promise:)'

 

i conclude that mysterious blank profile must be in my school, because he knows who i am. he tells me he's in my grade which does nothing but make me more nervous, seeing as how he sees me in the halls everyday, and maybe i see him? and i spend my shortlived walks around the corridors thinking 'him?' everytime a boy looks my way. but sometimes, there's no way, even if i wish there was. like when i go to singing club( i had quickly joined a shitton of extracurricular activities to keep me busy last year) and see my grade's very own zhong chenle kill his solo. but he doesn't spare me a glance after, not even a quick one. it couldn't be him, either, which is a shame; chenle doesn't ignore me even though he should. and i'm grateful for it(which is fucked up to think about). 

i have a lot of time to look during lunch, since no one's exactly jumping to talk to me. it's fine, i'm pretty boring, and i come off too strong which makes a lot of people feel weirded out. and the other thing('what thing?' 'being gay'). 

at first i thought of mysterious blank profile as a confidant, and he was for the first few days. he told me about how he accidently confessed to a boy in 3rd grade, and about the year he liked his best friend before he moved away, and how he thinks his dad knows but there's no way to be sure. and then he just started, seemingly out of the blue, talking about how his day went and how he didn't understand vectors in maths and how he ruined his favourite pair of shoes by accidently stepping on dog shit. i don't think i realised that i followed the way he spoke at the time, and told him what happened at all 900 of my clubs. 

now, i like to think we're friends. we must be at this point, right?

but it still feels weird to know that he sees me everyday but i don't(or do) see him. 

 

 

'i feel weird to ask this,' he sends me, and i scrambled for my phone which is in my desk drawer(trying to eliminate distractions while studying; failing). 

'well you have to tell me now'

'i think we should meet up?? do u want to meet up??'

well. it'd be nice to know who he is, of course, but then there's that cloud 9 feeling of having this friend who you can go to without expecting anything, or them expecting anything either. not knowing who mysterious blank profile is is oddly comforting, and i'm not sure if i want to ruin it all, like he knows who i am but what if he's awful in real life? or what if he was making fun of me this whole time(irrational thought, i know) and i get publicly humiliated? me being me, i type back 'of course!' and shove my phone back in the drawer, successfully burying it under heaps of magazine clippings(i used to make these stupid order cards until my sister said the writing looked like those ransom notes serial killers send).  anytime is the perfect time to avoid things that may or may not be problems. but the thing is, i can't focus on my science notes at all. i leave the pages scattered across my desk, climbing into bed, staring at the ceiling. trying to figure out the ugly:cute ratio in my grade, if it really matters to me what mysterious blank profile looks like at all.

 

 

it does. matter, i mean. 

see, we decide to meet up in this hole-in-the-wall cafe that mysterious blank profile swears by. the steam rising from the cute teal coffee mugs and the cold weather steams the windows up, i keep pushing my hair out of my face because my skin's too hot from leaning so close to my drink. invetably, i show up first. i think that's how it goes in these blind date stories. if it's my point of view, i'll always be waiting for my date, watching the door to build up anxiety. but the only thing that's building up in me is impatience. insecurity- if i come off to strong again, freak mysterious blank profile out. then again, he knows me, right? and i should know him by this point too. there's nothing to worry about. nothing at all.

the bell rings at the door, alerting me to make sure i look up in anticipation, and popular boy huang renjun steps in out of the wind. he's wearing a black facemask so i almost don't recognise him, but everyone knows when he's in a room. popular indeed. 

it doesn't occur to me that he's meant to be here. because he isn't, in my eyes. he doesn't belong with the kitschy curtains and overly peppy staff, and it's strange, really. like i imagined him confined between the 7 walls of our homeroom, leaning over some poor girls desk and making her contain high pitched squeals because wow, he's talking to little old me! 

it's not that i don't understand the appeal, more that i don't care about it.

and then he takes a seat across from me. for a moment, he's scratching his neck, like he's worried that *i'm* disappointed to see him. ridiculous. but the thing is, he opens his mouth and says "it's me," and that can only mean one thing, and all at once i care about his appeal. 

 

"you're joking," i say, leaning slightly forwards again, and he seems taken aback. too strong. too strong, i try to move back slowly so he doesn't notice, but i jolt and the table shakes beneath my elbows. he winces, but then again, that's just how he seems to smile. 

"i'm sorry if i surprised you," he replies. then i notice his hand, it's sliding his phone towards me. it's open on our chat log. i didn't need him to prove it really, but whatever. 

"why would you be sorry?" i genuinely ask. he shrugs, and it's too bashful for me. 

"i think i'm going to get the caramel macciato," he tells me. "it's so good here."

and that's it. 

 

to make the long story short, we meet up again. and again. and again. the best part is, i can tell he likes our "dates"(*cough cough*) as much as me, which is a rare thing- i tend to like things very strongly. i'm not sure about him. i think he could, too, if he wasn't so bashful. which is fine. at the end of the day, that's who he is. and i like that a lot, too.

you can draw your own conclusion. mine was "i should ask him out." 

 

 

a month later, we end up at the annual june funfair. there's the pirate ship that rocks up and down in the distance, and i can hear the creaking noises from where i stand at the cotton candy stall. i pay for renjun's, and he smiles gratefully as the lady swirls the sugar up into the cone. 

"we should do the ghost house," i say, licking some sugar off my lips. my tongue is blue- i can feel it. scraping it against me front teeth, and renjun laughs because they're blue too. "then we can go on the bigger rides when our stomachs settle."

"god, no thanks. i'll throw up," he says. "i really will. keep me away from the rollercoasters." i roll my eyes at him, but he's already dragging me away from the creaky noises of the bigger infrastructures. 

we end up on the teacups, and he picks the one with minnie mouse's face on the side. 

"don't get sick on my shoes," i joke as the ride starts up. he seems to take it seriously, though, and that's when i realise he's quite possibly the most skittish person i know. then he's whining about how fast the teacup spins, and closing his eyes so the carnival lights don't streak past his vision. 

"just look at me," i say, and he does for a short second. his eyes water as i spin the teacup as fast as i can, the dry air keeps me blinking but i look back anyway. he scrunches his eyes shut again. "cute," i say, at the same time he goes "stop spinning it, for the love of god!"

 

 

we're walking to the churros stand, and renjun's going on about how terrifying the ghost house was(it was fine). suddenly, he's squeezing my hand harder. i look up from where i was matching the pace of our footsteps, and i see a group of guys from our grade throwing chips at the seagulls on the boardwalk. next to the churros stand. i try to let go of renjun's hand, for his benefit(he's not out). but he just holds tighter, and i'm not sure if it's to reassure me or himself. 

"renjun," i say, and he's not looking at me. "you can let go. i'd understand."

"no, it's- it's fine."

"we can hide it," i know how people are. like when i came out(unwillingly, might i add), and suddenly people started acting weird around me, especially the boys in the locker room after football practice. and i'd already been a bit of an outsider- came off as weird, again- so it just got worse. and soon i really had too much time to myself. i dropped football for my own good, and i don't want renjun to have to deal with this too. 

"we're dating though, right? couples do this," he says. "i like you, donghyuck. i want to do normal couple things. we should be able to anyway."

well, one of the guys does end up noticing us holding hands as renjun pays for our churros( a payback for the candyfloss earlier, one that i'll gladly take). and i know this, i can feel it. scrutiny is so easy to catch when you're used to it. and i wish we could've just dropped hands, and maybe i'd pretend not to know him, or he'd pretend not to know me, and his reputation could be preserved. but he was stubborn. 

he hands me my bag, and  the churros are covered in sweet chili sauce. i know he'll end up eating them all anyway. he always likes whatever flavour i choose more than his own, and soon i'll be eating chocolate churros instead. 

"i could've sworn i saw a carousel," he fidgets, as one of the guys loudly says a certain slur. 

"far away from here, i hope," i mumble, pulling him away in the direction of the old timey fairground music. i never really thought it'd be easy in the first place. at least renjun thinks i'm worth it. 

 

 

 

it rains on the way home, from the shoreline to the bus stop. neither of us have coats so we try to squish under the already packed bus shelter. rain drips from renjun's hair down his face, and his lower lashes sharply point downwards. we haven't talked about those guys in school. i think it's better that way, maybe.

"it's freezing," he says, and we're standing just in front of eachother. both my hands hold his. they're not as cold as the rest of me, except for my face, which has gone pink. 

i could stay like this. weather and all.

 

it must be july, when things start getting a bit shit. and it's no one's fault, as far as i'm concerned. 

but then that concern is gone when renjun's smiling at me, and i don't feel anything at all.

these things happen.

it's easier to fall in than out, but i don't even notice the point where i start slowly disappearing. disintegrating, watching myself get bored, watching myself get tired, watching myself get unattached. 

it's no one's fault because renjun is absolutely wonderful- anyone's dream boyfriend. he's nice, funny, good looking. he speaks softly and we don't get into arguements. he loves me.

and i don't think it's my fault either, because there's already enough to feel shitty about in my life. who can blame me if i ignore a problem just this once? if i hook my ankles around his under the cafe table and grin? and force embarassed blood to my face, like i'm shy? 

all good things come to an end. it's a shame i can't quite seem to pull the plug.

 

 

i really can't deal with the heart eyes he makes at me. it makes me sick. 

 

 

side b

i can quite honestly say that lee donghyuck ruined my life. but then i'd be labelled as a jealous ex, or something equally inaccurate. 

 

"let's break up," he had said, not 'i'm breaking up with you', but "lets break up". as if i'd came to the same conclusion. i always stuck by him, no matter how much it affected me. but he probably didn't even think about that, in the end. 

"okay," i had said. then, i walked past him up the stairs, to his room that was so familiar. i took back my video games that he'd borrowed, my earphones, my pyjamas that stayed here for when i slept over. i took them in a big heap and carried them downstairs, and he just looked at me then headed to the kitchen. he came back with a shopping bag. it was insulting, but i dumped the stuff in it anyway and carried it out the door. it was raining oustide, and i was a bit glad that my crying was less obvious. until i was pawing at my face with my free hand, and my skin went red, and i was breaking down in the middle of the street. i couldn't take another step, dropped to a crouch next to the bag and sobbed into my sleeves. Degrading.

 

 

at the end of the day, he's always been an outsider. 

but i'm not used to it. and i thought we could've been isolated together, and it'd be worth it. it so was. until he ended it with me, after i'd already severed my status, just for him. 

he's always been an outsider.

i used to be popular.

 

 

 

i don't see him in school after that, like i'd just dreamt him up. but that can't be true, if you saw the sort of messages on my facebook wall, you could tell that he definitely changed everything. 

for four months, i don't see him at all. but i don't forget either. i'm not exactly forgiving, despite all the qualities i share with a doormat. and he still has yerim, and that kid mark lee, and i only have chenle. 

we go to this noodle place in mid december. the steam rising from the broth, and the weather, makes the windows steam up. i'm too warm standing next to chenle in line. the orange lighting makes him look blonder than he is, and he turns to me and teases me about my uneven sideburns. of course. 

the front door opens with a jingle, and donghyuck steps in out of the wind, unpopular boy mark lee in tow. donghyuck stares at me, his eyes wobble a bit and i think he's going to cause a scene. 

"mind my place in line," i tell chenle, who nods knowingly. the way he frowns at me, i can tell he's worried i'll do something regrettable.

i stride over, trying to keep my chin tipped up slightly. i hope i emanate pride, but it's unlikely. it quite honestly offends me that donghyuck looks good, and he always has so i shoudln't have expected any better, but he looks like he's *doing* good. which is a problem. his eyes darken when i stop half a foot away from him, our shoes pointing at eachother. 

"mark," he says fondly, and it makes my heart push up against my throat. "could you let us talk for a minute?"

and mark nods, goes to queue up. the wind's still blowing in from the door, i lean around donghyuck to push it until the latch clicks. his eyes widen, i'm surprised at myself, too.

 

"listen, i'm not even mad anymore," i lie. "but don't repeat what you did to me with mark, okay?"

donghyuck flinches when i say mark's name, and i take that in my stride. maybe i look ridiculous with my shoulders all puffed up like this. how else can i stop confidence from slipping through my fingers again? "renjun," he breathes, mouth cracking into one of those lopsided smiles. it's watery, like my insides. nothing really feels right anymore, all so temporary. but the pain goes from a low humming in my chest to the burning in my throat for every second i have to deal with donghyuck. 

"don't smile at me."

and he flinches again, frowns. i wonder if he'll cry, like i did on the street. i don't wish it on him- but  i don't wish it on mark most of all, even though i hate him deep down for no other reason than how starry he makes donghyuck's eyes. "i don't know what you're talking about," he says.

"i sacrificed a lot to be with you, and i don't want the same thing to happen to mark. just," i hesitate. "just be more careful this time, yeah? or leave him alone. that could work too."

"this has nothing to do with you at all, and look, i'm sorry about what happened. but that wasn't my fault,"  and i'm glad he turns on his heel to sit down across from mark, because i don't know what i could've done then. like maybe, if he'd stood his ground, i'd of punched him. isn't that a scary thought? 

chenle gestures me over to the table he's found, and he spares me a pityful look. "don't worry about him anymore, okay?" not worth it, he then mutters. i find myself agreeing.

i look down at my bowl of ramen. it's soppy from sitting there while i argued, and it seems to wriggle in the bowl. then i realise it's just the tears making everything wobbly, and then i realise that chenle's moved to sit right next to me. he keeps a hand on my shoulder, not saying anything at all. i love him for how well he deals with me. maybe i don't deserve it, after all i've said to donghyuck. 

he's looking over at there table with wide eyes, and i follow his gaze, watching donghyuck ... shout..? at mark, before storming off.

i hate to admit how giddy it makes me. 

 

the secret to falling out of love, i discover, is getting excited when the person of your affections has their life ruined. donghyuck must have known this too.

  


**Author's Note:**

> if you read this, thank you so much !! i know first person pov is widely unpopular <\3 also this pairing, also this sort of story... this fic is a prequel to my other fic 'enamoured' which tells the markhyuck story ---> http://archiveofourown.org/works/9216512  
> i love you all !!


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